Bryntin was in a celebratory mood.
He had watched the England football team miraculously qualify for the World Cup final after playing spectacularly well in the semi final against Croatia. Even Mrs Bryntin was caught up in the celebratory atmosphere in the house and had, just for a moment, allowed herself a small smile. Bryntin was sure it was a small smile. He’d not seen it often enough to tell really. It might have just been wind.
Anyway, this was enough cause for a celebration, although of course there was now the agonising wait until Sunday for the final. Bryntin celebrated by having a bottle of beer, he thought perhaps the shock to his system of feeding it some alcohol might put him under until the final on Sunday and he could be revived from his stupor just in time for it.
He decided halfway through the bottle that this was probably not his best idea as he couldn’t rely on Mrs Bryntin trying to revive him on time, if at all. Three and a half days wasn’t long for him to be comatose – and even the lawn wouldn’t grow enough – for her to start thinking about where he had got to recently.Embed from Getty Images
So Bryntin was in a celebratory mood, Croatia were going home after playing superbly well in the whole tournament but they were eventually undone, as so many teams had not been before, by Raheem Sterling finally breaking free, rounding the goalkeeper and scoring a goal.
The goal line and VAR systems proved the ball had crossed the line at least once during its minute of travel rebounding between the goal posts and crossbar as Raheem and the goalkeeeper, who had now stood up after trying to make the save but, having realised it was Raheem and his goal probably wasn’t under that much threat after all, watched and waited for the inevitable bounce of the ball going out for a corner.
When it came to rest on the goal line but the ref had the news from the system that on one of the thirty eight bounces the ball had crossed the line and gave the goal, the nation erupted. This caused Donald Trump, who was on Air Force One on his way to the UK for his official visit, to launch the entire US nuclear arsenal against North Korea, believing that it was probably him they were aiming at but had missed and had hit the UK accidentally instead.
All in all, it had been a good day. If Trump had been caught in any crossfire it would have been even better but, as North Korea had been bluffing all along anyway, there wasn’t any crossfire. Just the TV shots of South Koreans standing around looking at a big hole where North Korea used to be scratching their heads.
Having unfortunately landed safely, seeing him curtsy when eventually meeting the Queen and telling Prince Philip it was lovely to see him at that Klan meeting nearly made up for that though. Having the Queen get so annoyed by this she set her Corgis on him and they’ll be sending the bits of him they didn’t eat home in many UPS parcels was even better.
It’s a shame a second American Civil War appears to have been set off by this unfortunate incident because most were pleased he’d been ingested, if not impeached, and some were not. At least the military didn’t have any nukes left though so they can probably sort it all out using annoyed rednecks with assault rifles v a relieved military with assault rifles.
Bryntin was miserable. England had lost the World Cup semi final against Croatia. On penalties. And Donald Trump, inanely grinning and speaking friend of Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage apparently, was inexplicably coming to the UK when most of the UK really didn’t want him to.
They mainly didn’t want him to because he was a spoilt brat with a wrong but dangerous belief that he was now the most important human in the world and could do and say what he wanted. A lot of which was very unpleasant indeed.
Also, because they knew he was just an immoral self-important rich twat. They knew what immoral self-important rich twats looked like because they had the Conservatives and the aforementioned Boris and Nige.
Bryntin regretted that temporarily forgetting what was really going on in the world didn’t last long.
*Only one of these halves is likely to have happened by this Sunday.